Thursday, September 11, 2008

When happiness sneaks in

Not every minute of the day is miserable. Some days are harder than others, but I do experience moments of great comfort. I'll admit that some of my smiling and laughing is fake, I do it so that others don't feel uncomfortable around me. But some of is isn't. It is real and it feels good.

The happy moments often catch me off guard and disappear as quickly as they came. They are often fleeting, followed by feelings of guilt, sadness or confusion as I wonder how I could possibly be happy at a time like this. But nonetheless I can still see blessings through all the tears. I know it is God's grace comforting me, giving me a break from the relentless grief that seems so all-consuming, showing me glimpses of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Without these moments I think I would crumble under the weight of my pain. The happy moments make the hard moments hurt more, but the reprieve is worth it. It allows me to take a breath and gives me just enough time to recoup some strength to grieve more fully, to face my pain, to cry harder, to push on.

My son brings joy to my life every single day. At times I look at him and feel simultaneous joy and grief, thankfulness and disappointment, peace and anger. He is such a blessing, so full of life and innocence. He is the reason I get up in the morning. He gets me out of bed and forces me to start the day when all I really want to do is curl up and cry all day long. He gives me hugs and kisses when he knows I am sad. He is the two year old embodiment of God's grace in my life and I am more thankful to have him today than I ever have been. But he is also a living example and daily reminder of what I am missing. Every hug from him reminds me of the two hugs I am missing from Aubrey and Ellie. Every time I tuck him in bed I feel the sting of knowing I will never tuck my girls in. I know how much a child can bless life and it makes me more aware of just how much we lost. Yet I still feel moments of joy. Amidst the loss I recognize what was not lost. I see that God is so good. That is amazing to me.

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