I have been struggling lately with the question of what for? What for? is a very different question than why?. Why? is looking for answers to the past, what for is looking for answers to the future.
I get why? I have been a Christian for a long time. This is an imperfect world corrupt in every way with sin. Nothing is untouched by the the consequences of the original sin. Therefore, in this life we will have suffering. There is pain and loss. There is death. And no one is exempt from experiencing it. Not me and not my sweet girls. The rain falls on the righteous and unrighteous. I get it. And I accept it. At least intellectually anyway. God also promises to comfort us, to carry us, and to work all things for our good if we love Him. I get that too. My understanding is clear as day.
Yet my understanding of Aubrey and Ellie's deaths does nothing to ease my pain. It is still there, like a clenched fist around my heart. I hurt every moment of every day. And I can't help but ask God what for? It is impossible for me to believe that any blessing will come from this that is greater than the blessing of my baby girls. I also can't imagine that God is trying to teach me something through this that could not have been taught to me through other means.
Did my girls truly have to be sacrificed for my own spiritual benefit or for the spiritual benefit of others? Were my girls' lives less important? Were they some how more expendable? Will the supposed good that comes from this be worth the pain? These are all very tough questions I wrestle with day and night. And if I am being honest they come from the angry and frustrated part of my heart. This whole tragic event just seems so unnecessary. Why does my heart have to be broken and my life changed forever? Why did my babies not get a chance to live their lives? What did all of this happen for? I have to know what for or I will go crazy.
So I have decided to stop asking what for in pathetic desperation like the answer might not even exist. I am not shouting to the universe, I am calling out to an Almighty God. I may never understand my daughters' deaths, but I can know what good will come out of it in time. I know there is a what for? because God promises to make one. That does not mean He made this happen, but He promises to use it for his glory.
Instead of questions I now have requests of God, passionate and pleading requests. I desperately want to see how the death of my girls will serve a purpose. And I want to see it this side of heaven. I need to see how it is being used for good or my pain will never lessen. I need to see God's supernatural power make the death of my daughters count. I need the peace of knowing their short lives were not meaningless. I need to know that my pain is not meaningless.