Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What am I suppose to do now?

The deaths of my daughters has been the single most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

I cannot describe the depth of my hurt. It literally has left me hollow inside. And as I struggle to move on day after day, I can't help but feel completely lost. I don't know how to cope as the world and everything in it keeps moving forward. From the outside I may appear to be functioning, but inside I am hurting so intensely that I can't seem to put one foot in front of the other. I feel paralyzed in my pain and confused.

What am I supposed to do now?

Life for me has changed so profoundly and suddenly I feel completely blindsided. I am still disoriented from the trauma of Aubrey and Ellie's deaths. I am directionless.

Where do I go from here?

How do I move on? I mean really move on, as a whole person, not just parts of me a fraction at a time.

Does the pain really ever go away?

Will I ever be able to remember my girls and see their little faces in my mind without tears streaming down my face?

I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that the only thing that has brought me any comfort or helped me to gain any clarity in the midst of this is to write.

So here I go...


  1. Writing through pain is absolutely the best therapy I know. I can only say I am reading and hurting with you...
    much much love and wish I could come hug you.
    My blog is www.xanga.com/betis if you want to read something totally shallow :) although i might switch to writing more reality-based stuff in a little while.

  2. Keep up your writing! Thanks for your heart.

  3. I'm so glad you're doing this. Know that I'm giving you a hug every time I read it.

  4. Rachel I don't know you or any of your family but heard about your tragedy with your girls and wanted to read your story. It is heart wrenching, sad, depresing, full of pain but Hon you have a gift that no other woman that I know has - and that is to be able to poor out your feelings and make others feel with you as they read - you truly are an amazing woman and blessed you are even with the loss of your babies - blessed because you have the strength to go on - you have your son and your husband to comfort you and grieve with you and one day you will all be with your daughters again. Then your family will be whole forever. Your faith, your strength, your courage, makes me ashamed of things I've complained about. Your faith, your strength, your courage, makes me proud to say I am woman, like Rachel, I will get through the aches and pains and sorrows of life - your loss gives others hope and courage to go on living and someday we will all know the answers to our questions.

    Bless you, your husband and your son and always remember that look you saw in the babies eyes that day - that will get you through.

    A Stronger Woman thanks to you.


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