Saturday, September 13, 2008

One Day at a Time

I have never liked the phrase take one day at a time. Just hearing it makes me feel weary and overwhelmed. And it isn't like I have other options. The days come and go and I make it through each one, but not by choice. Time has a way of going on at its own pace whether I want it to or not. I am forced along minute by minute. I would much rather take one hundred days at a time, or even ten days at a time, anything to make these sad days go by faster.

Experiencing this one day at a time is agonizing. I desperately hope for that one morning when I will wake up and no longer hurt so badly. When Missing Aubrey and Ellie will feel more like a splinter in my heart than a dagger and I will experience some long awaited relief. And I know that day will come because it has to. I could not survive a lifetime feeling this devastated. My body might live, but emotionally I would die, and I don't want to live dead inside.

I don't want to be a shell of myself. My husband deserves a wife and my son deserves a mother that is alive, that has something more to offer than simply going through the motions of life. And I want to be happy again. I want that for myself. I want to laugh and make memories with my family and bring honor to my girls by continuing to live the best life I can as a whole person.

There is no question that I am forever changed by this. Losing my girls broke my heart in a way that can never be completely healed. I do not expect everything to eventually go back to normal, whatever normal is...I will always be sad because they are not in my life. I will always wonder about them, wonder what life would have been like with them, and I will miss them every day that I am alive...but my hope is that the pain becomes more manageable and less intense than it is now.

What is scary though is that the lessening of the pain feels like forgetting. Sometimes I am afraid to let go of the hurt because I feel like it makes me forget my girls. The pain is a reminder. And right now I don't know how to remember them without feeling sad and heartbroken. Their memory and my pain seem interconnected. Letting go of the pain means letting go of them. And I can't do that. Not ever. I will never forget them. I realize that I don't have to forget them to feel better, but emotionally I don't know how to do it. It is too confusing to sort out right now. I hope with time I will learn how to remember them without feeling so sad, but right now I guess I need the sadness because I need their memory. Their memory is all I have left of them.

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