Today has been a really hard day. Tomorrow I would have been 37 weeks along with the girls which is considered full term for twins. At this point I could expect them any day if I were still pregnant. It has felt particularly hard today accepting that I am not.
As their due date gets closer it gets harder for me to cope. I wanted them so badly. I was ready for more babies. And not just any babies, I was ready for them. I find myself disconnecting to avoid crying today. I did the same thing when the doctors told me about Aubrey and Ellie's brain damage. I could hear the doctors talking, but my mind would go somewhere else. Sometimes it is all too much for me.
My mind is empty except for thoughts of my baby girls. I am not hungry, I have not showered yet, and I have not smiled once. This morning I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day, but I had to get up. I wish I could have just one day to stay in bed and really cry. When the girls died I could not cry as hard as I wanted to because my belly hurt too much from the c-section. Every time I got too worked up I would have to hold back because of the pain. I resent my c-section for inhibiting my crying. I know that at some point I am going to have to let it all out. Especially now that I feel better and my incision can't hold me back anymore. I am waiting for the day when the flood gates open. I just hope Kirk is home so that he can be with our son while I break down. I don't want our son to see me like that.