Rachael, I hope you receive this I am somewhat technically challenged, but after reading your blog I felt compelled to reach out. I am married to Joe the guy from the worship team at CLC. We traveled with you to Trinidad, where I got a little glimpse of what a special person you are. I myself am struggling with mortality but its for my own life. A few years ago I was diagnosed with Hep C and have progressively gotten worse. I am on the waiting list for a liver transplant now, and I go through a different kind of grief. I have had to give up my own desires, I cannot travel, and I spend most days like a sickly person would. Its a challenge for an energetic person like me. I know that it is entirely possible that I could not live to receive a liver and the loss of immortality has changed me. For the most part it has turned out well, I am finally able to recognize how good people are. They really do want to help, but often don't know what to do. I have had to build up stock in the assistance God offers, and it has given me a chance to work on 'acceptance.'What you have described the endless pain, the inability to be distracted, reminds me a lot of when i got divorced. The pain has NEVER gone away however it turned into something different that built charactar. Just like James 1.I have two women who endured losing newborns like you. They both felt that those babies were put on earth for another reason other than to live. One developed her spiritual life, the other reconciled with her husband. As sure as my name is Venae those beautiful girls were born to some purpose, and unfortunately only with grace and time do we restart our lives. You will endure and survive because it is clear to others around you that you are special to God and he is opening some door that you cannot see yet. Joe and I will pray for you, and pray hard for grace and love to put a salve on your heart. Love Venae
Your girls are beautiful.