Thursday, September 11, 2008

A different kind of loss

The death of babies is different from other kinds of death I think. It is a unique loss because it is out of order and backwards. My girls' lives were over before they really even began. They had passed away months before they were ever supposed to be born. And there is something really messed up about that.

Although it was agonizing to watch life leave their little bodies, to watch their chests stop rising and falling as they were whisked away to heaven, it hurts more to know that they each were a life never to be lived. We didn't just lose their bodies and the physical presence of them in our lives, we also lost their futures, our futures. We lost the experience of being impacted and changed by them and the privilege of watching them grow and become who they were meant to be. All their potential and all that they had to contribute to the world died with their bodies. I will never know who they were meant to be. And that is really sad to me.

When Aubrey and Ellie died so did all my hopes and dreams of them. They were already intertwined in my life and heart in every way. Kirk and I picked out names for them. We purchased a double stroller and two infant car seats in anticipation of their arrival. I had two cribs in their nursery. I imagined the holidays this year with them in my arms. I could feel them moving in my belly constantly and I talked to them daily. We even bought a house so that we would have enough room for them because our old apartment was too small for two new babies to come home to. Every decision we made factored in our soon to be arriving little girls.

When they died so did something inside of me. It felt like time stopped. I just can't bring myself to accept life without them. Unfortunately I don't have a choice in the matter. On the inside I often feel like a two year old throwing a tantrum because I can't have my way. I JUST WANT MY BABIES BACK!!!! Yet I remain calm on the outside, occasionally letting a tear or two roll down my face. Some days I feel on the verge of an explosion. Other days I feel on the verge of a breakdown. It is a crazy roller coaster that leaves me exhausted and hurting. WHY MY GIRLS? WHY LIKE THIS?

Children are supposed to outlive their parents. It is unnatural for parents to bury their children, to pick their plot in a cemetery, to design their headstone, to plan their funeral, to visit their grave site. I never expected to do any of these things in my lifetime. Every aspect of their death has thrown me for a loop. And I have yet to find my footing. I just hurt inside all the time. I miss my girls. I really miss my girls.

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