Crayons

It was clean up time first thing this morning. I heard the kids outside my bedroom door playing and when I slipped out of bed and opened the door I saw two happy little faces and one big huge mess. I vowed not to set food downstairs until it was cleaned up.

I really wanted to start the day off right!

Dustin and I started picking up while simultaneously distracting Colt from undoing all that we were doing. One of my nicknames for Colt is Tornado.

I think you get the idea.

We were making good progress. Dustin is incredibly responsible for just 6 years old. He knows how to pick up after himself and, for the most part, put things away where they go. All you moms out there know what I mean. He is a dutiful son. A sweet, helpful boy. If I could just get him to finish then talk. The kid can talk the hind leg off a mule.

And and I have no idea where he gets that from (wink wink). Poor baby, that apple does not fall far from the tree.

Just as the last toy was put into the right bin (yes-I have certain bins for certain toys) something caught the corner of my eye. The top drawer of his desk was cracked open. I went to push it closed (I like drawers closed all the way or little fingers find there way into them) it wouldn't move.

I opened it to see what was in the way and discovered about 500 crayons dumped out inside it. Just a heap of disheveled, confused crayons overflowing out of the shallow drawer. I asked Dustin what happened because Lord only knows. The most likely explanation was that Colt did it.

"Why are all the crayons in here like this?" I inquired.

Dustin looked right at me and said with complete confidence, "Oh, because it would have taken way to long to put them back in the box."

I couldn't argue with him. It must have looked overwhelming to a kid to even begin the tedious task of putting all those crayons back in their boxes one by one. Which went where? And once they were all back in Colt would probably just dump them out again. It was much easier to just shove them all in the top drawer and close it-mostly.

"I will put the crayons back for you." I said watching Dustin's face light up with relief. "You can go and play. Take your brother please ok?" Glad to do it, Dustin pulled his new remote control car out of the box (leaving the box and tiny Styrofoam bits all over the floor) and took his brother outside to play.

While I sat and sorted all the crayons into the giant crayon suitcase by color I thought about how these crayons represented the stuff in our lives, the stuff in a huge messy pile that needs to be sorted out but instead gets shoved in a drawer to hide because dealing with it will be hard work.

As I made piles of all the blue ones and then the green ones I talked to God for a while. I did not have to ask God to show me the piles in my life-those are clear as day to my conscience. I am not blind to the stuff I need to sort out. But I am guilty of hiding it.

I work much harder at making the outside look clean than I do at sorting out the inside stuff.

Its because I know it will hurt.

So I asked God for some strength and some courage. I asked God to be close to me. I asked God to sort out my stuff as the pace I can handle and to comfort me as we face together all the stuff heaped and piled in my heart, my mind, my life-one piece at a time-for His glory and my transformation.

I finished sorting all the crayons by color and put them neatly away.

Who knew God would meet me at a pile of crayons today?

I remain a work in progress. There is a lot more than 500 crayons in my pile. Good thing I have God to sort them out for me then.

Good thing we all do.

HWY 101

Things are finally slowing down a bit after the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I enjoy the holidays very much but I also love to get back to normal when they are over.

The New Year brings with it the second semester of kindergarten homeschooling, resolutions of all kinds (I LOVE making New Year resolutions...keeping them is the challenge), and a lot of unknowns. My husband should be getting orders soon and when he does we will know if we are moving and where and when. We really have no idea where we might end up. Also Teamotions is about to celebrate its first full year in business which means we've managed to survive this economy! And my 7-year anniversary is around the corner and my oldest son turned six on Jan 7th. Where does the time go?

We spent Christmas in Texas this year (and I got to meet one of my blog friends in person-more on lunch with Fran later) so we didn't visit my parents until just before the new year. I love going home as my childhood house is filled with an entire lifetime of memories. When I drive the streets or eat at my favorite restaurants of my home town I am reminded of a thousand more different memories all strung together to make my life.

There is this strip of HWY 101 between Ventura Avenue and Johnson Drive that I must have driven thousands of times in my lifetime. When I was young I would stare out the car window and look over the ocean. On clear days I could see the channel islands. On rainy days the waves got really big. On most days it was simply beautiful and I enjoyed seeing the water.

I never really noticed when I was younger that it also passes a cemetery. You can see the front gates from the highway and all the headstones behind the walls as the highway increases in elevation. It never meant much to me when I was young.

But it means much more to me now.

My girls are buried in that cemetery. Their headstone is right inside the front gate. I can see it when I drive past.

Never in a million years did I ever for one second think that someday I'd have my own babies buried there. I never thought I'd drive on my favorite section of the 101 and wince with sad memories of tiny little faces I never got to know. Now the cemetery I never really noticed before gets my full attention each time I pass.

I've never really enjoy visiting the cemetery. I go on their birthday and the anniversaries of their deaths and at holidays. This year I read them a book for their late Christmas present. But every time I go I just cry and cry. I don't feel comforted there, I just feel sad and overwhelmed with the reality of losing them. I wish I could sleep next to their headstone and cry all night. When I leave I always feel exhausted and drained.

I prefer to think of them in heaven, not in the cemetery.

Over the Christmas holiday I read the book Heaven is For Real. It was SO wonderful. The story is sweet, encouraging, but mostly comforting. I highly recommend it, especially to those of you who lost children too. I don't want to ruin the story for any of you so all I will say is read it for yourself. You'll be so glad you did, I promise.

My favorite strip of highway is now bittersweet. It holds my best memories and my worst. No matter how sunny the day is or how sparkly the ocean, when I can see the channel island and when I can't, if I stop to drink my tea at the point or just keep driving I will always peak over the wall to see their headstone, fights the tears, and long for the day I get to see them again.

Sometimes heaven cannot come soon enough.

The Strange Good

This is a post I wrote but never posted back in August.

My heart is heavy tonight.

I put on my most comfortable socks and I climbed in bed with A LOT on my mind and even more on my heart.

Last week a family on base (Camp Pendleton) lost their 13 year old daughter in a house fire. The tragedy has really rattled the entire community. Today I had a chance to sit with the grieving mother over a cup of tea. I didn't do or say much. Mostly I just listened.

And cried.

I saw so much of my own grief and pain in her. Her words made so much sense to me as she described the thousands of feelings that seemed to ebb and flow in her heart and mind. I remembered feeling just like she does- hurt, confused, exhausted, checked out, scared, angry, and sad. And my heart hurt for her.

And it hurt for my girls too. And for every mother anywhere who ever lost a child at any age under any circumstances. I just don't get it. And it breaks my heart.

I wanted so badly to take her pain away. I wanted to rewind time and change what happened. I wanted to say something profound or offer a special gem of wisdom that would make it all ok. And I didn't like the feeling of helplessness that lingered in my chest as I sat, frozen, listening, hurting, and understanding.

My own heart is still so tender even after three years. And it wrecks me to see that same pain in someone else because I know how horrible it truly is.

I drove home talking to God the entire way. I will admit I did not give Him much opportunity to speak as I did all of the talking, but I did ask some very important questions:

1) HOW MUCH LONGER? A lifetime seems so long God when my children are missing. Please sustain my broken heart until that day finally comes.

2) WHY ME, WHY ANYONE? Although I was honored to share my tea and the ministry of comfort it represents, I couldn't help but feel gypped a bit. It does not feel like a fair trade to me. And I still hurt about that. All the good that has come through the short and valuable life of my Aubrey and Ellie does not add up to the good of them.

It ended here. I guess I never posted it because I never finished it. Yet the final thought is the thought that has been heavy on my heart of late: All the good does not, and will not ever, add up to the good of them. At least that is the way I feel about it.

Recently a wonderful opportunity came my way. My company Teamotions has been given a special opportunity to extend comfort and healing through tea to our troops. Working along side The Wounded Warrior Semper Fi Fund, we created three new teas to support the emotional well-being of our troops and their families. As the wife of a Marine myself, I have a heart for our troops and their families as I have experienced many of these emotional challenges first hand. Long periods of separation, the demands of military life, and the realities of war take an emotional toll. These three new teas will help ease the emotional burden on our troops and their families and help comfort them as they serve our country and protect our freedom. A portion of the profits from the tea sales will support the Wounded Warrior Semper Fi Fund to help provide injured service members with the medical care and technology they need to recover from injuries sustained in combat.

We are so honored to be able to support such a worthy cause and work along side an organization doing so much good. It is a privilege to reach out to our military with tea to offer them much needed comfort and emotional support. Sometimes I am amazed at the opportunities that have come our way and the lives being touched through Teamotions. It is all so very good.

But when I sit alone and think about all this so very good stuff it still stings a little. It is SO good, but it isn't as good as them. It is my privilege to carry a torch for my little girls who came and went too soon and I have found so much healing in building a meaningful legacy for them through Teamotions. Yet, all this good has come at quite a cost to me and I can't lie and say that if I was ever given the opportunity I wouldn't trade it all for them in a heartbeat.

Despite the hurt in my heart I do feel amazingly grateful though. I see God working and moving and healing and touching lives, all because Aubrey and Ellie lived and died. I see the miracle in that. I honestly don't know what else to call it. It is truly a miracle.

Speaking of miracles...Teamotions is hoping for one! We are currently seeking to raise funds for the creation of the three labels for these new tea blends to support the emotional well-being of our troops and their families. You can donate to our campaign or learn more about it on Kickstarter.com. Please tell all your friends and family about it as the more people who know the more likely funding will be met. We are also pre-selling the first of the three tea blends. It is called Courage and it is a caffeine free Plum Spice Rooibos blend with Eleuthero Root to help prevent emotional, mental, and physical burnout during prolonged periods of stress. Pre-orders can be made on our website and each order helps get our tea to our troops and their families as quickly as possible!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and are able to find comfort in the hope we have in Jesus and the celebration of His birth this Christmas. Without His birth there could not have been His death and resurrection of which made possible the most good that could ever be. He paid the ultimate cost for what is the ultimate good, and He did it for us. For that I am eternally grateful.

Revisible

Driving in the car to school one morning last week my son Dustin asked me if I know what God looks like. I explained to him that we can see God in His creation and see God working in our life, but that we can't actually see Him, at least not until heaven.

"Cool," he said, "God's here, we just can't see him. He's invisible!"

I had to smile as my five-year-old managed to simplify something that always seemed so complex to me.

Then he asked, "What about Jesus? Do you know what he looked like?" So I explained that Jesus became a baby that grew to be a man so he looked human like us, probably darker skin and hair and brown eyes...but Jesus lived before me so I never actually saw him face to face, but when we get to heaven...

Dustin cut me off.

"Don't tell me mom. I know what you are going to say. When we get to heaven Jesus will be revisible."

Revisible?

"Yes. You are exactly right, " I said, "Exactly right."

I dropped Dustin at school and returned home to put my little Colton down for a nap, but I couldn't get the word revisible out of my mind.

There are some invisible things in our lives. Faith is based on those invisible things. Faith is believing in what we have not seen. And yet so much is visible. God's provision, miracles, blessings, creation, God's Word, His grace and mercy...it is all right there in front of my face.

But even more amazing than the seen or unseen is this third category I have never really given much thought to until now are the things we did see once but can't see right now but will see again- THE REVISIBLE THINGS.

Jesus was visible. Not just his character or his glory, but him, in flesh and blood, was seen, heard and felt. Aubrey and Ellie were visible. I saw them with my own eyes just as Mary saw Jesus sleeping in the manger. Tiny, squirmy, and helpless.

And it is only a matter of time until the once seen will be re-seen. They-Jesus and my girls-will become revisible.

What else will be made revisible I wonder? And will I see it before heaven?

I have mentioned before in previous posts that I am undergoing a transformation of sorts. And I'm looking hard for what has disappeared to reappear. I want to find the things that have been lost. I want to uncover the things burried under the sands of chaos and compromise. I want to see clearly what has been muddled and marred.

Someday my girls will be revisible to me. The picture I have of them in my mind will be replaced with the perfection they are in heaven. And Jesus himself will meet me there as well and I know I will instantly recognize him even though I have technically never seen him with my own eyes.

In the meantime I have quite the journey ahead of me. I look forward to what I get to see...again.

Forever Reign

We attended a new church this Sunday. Our current church is amazing in many ways and it isn't like we have a problem with it...it is just that pretty much since we started attending there something has been missing for me. I thought that maybe it was just the season of life I was in. I have very young children and live 35 minutes away from it so serving and getting involved was almost impossible. I have done my best, but even after 5 years I have yet to find my place there. We have talked about finding a new church from time to time, but never quite pulled the trigger on it. We thought maybe we just needed to try harder and give it more time.

When Aubrey and Ellie died I longed for a sense of community like never before and even though loving hearts from church showed up on our doorstep with food and prayers, I still felt nameless and faceless on Sunday morning. And with so much going on in my heart these days I asked my husband if we could try out a church closer to home.

So this Sunday we did!

It sounds strange to "try out" a church. But it is the reality. Not everyone fits everywhere. Finding a church to belong to is much different than finding a church to attend. I am realizing that I NEED a church community. It isn't juts something I like or want. It is a core need rooted deep in my being. In many ways I am lost without one.

I desire to contribute to what God is doing. I desire to be a part of something much bigger than myself. I desire to serve. But even more so, I desire to know others and be known. I don't do nameless and faceless very well. I desire relationships and community and all the stuff that takes people from scientific homo-sapiens to living unique souls.

For me church is all about relationships. Forming them, growing them, growing in them. Christ is the most important relationship of all, but we need each other too. And the Word makes it clear that fellowship is essential to our walk with Christ. Not just for accountability either, but because we are relational beings. We need each other. We need the body of Christ!

I know I do.

So anyway, off we went to a new church. AND I LOVED IT.

For starters the people were friendly and down to earth. They made us feel welcome and comfortable. Honestly I have never been to a more friendly church. It is a big church so we needed some help finding the nursery and Kindergarten class and some nice man just took it upon himself to show us the way literally walking us to each building himself. Then after the service one of the pastors heard we were new and had young children and invited us to a young married/young families type small group. I was thrilled. Just to be sought out made me feel like a little sheep being gathered back into the fold. I felt instant acceptance. And it felt good.

Yet, that was not the highlight of the day! It gets even better.

I think God knew we were coming and met me there. Actually, I know God knew, and He prepared something special just for me. It was seriously for my heart. A gift. A boost. A reminder of some things I have forgotten.

During worship we sung a song I had never heard before. It was the perfect song at the perfect time. Almost instantly I was in tears. I was so busy crying during the song that I didn't get the name of it and my husband had to email the worship pastor to get the title. But the worship pastor emailed back and now that I know what song it was so I HAVE TO share it with you.

Before I post the lyrics and a link to the song I have to warn you-this one is a crier! Tears and snot-the whole nine yards. I was a basket case. I have not cried like that since my daughters died. Truly, the lyrics spoke straight to my heart and I broke. It was painful and transforming all at the same time.

If my heart had a song this would be it.

Forever Reign by Hillsong

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost it's sting

Oh, I'm running to your arms,
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Here is a link to hear the song if you want to hear it.

I hope it touches your heart like it did mine. I don't know yet if this church is for us every Sunday, but I do know it was for me last Sunday. Exactly, especially, perfectly for me.

Come Near

I have been wanting to post for a while now (I apologize-a month without so much as a hello is a long time), but every time I jumped over here to write I either couldn't get the words right or was interrupted (my Colton is walking now-let the fun begin!)

The last few weeks have been tough for many reasons, some I can talk about and some I cannot. Not everything is appropriate to share here. However, I would like to ask for prayer. God knows what I need so just lift me up. I cannot express how thankful I am in advance for you- all of you. You have been such faithful friends in Christ.

A few weeks ago a Marine family living in base housing on Camp Pendelton lost their home, every possession they had, and their 13 year old daughter, in a house fire. Words cannot explain the devastation this family is experiencing. The entire community has been traumatized. I spent almost three hours one afternoon last week (just listening mostly) to a grief-stricken and heart-broken mom. I took some tea to her, but mostly I just wanted her to know that she is not alone.

I felt so alone when girls died.

Being with her, although a privilege as I have never even met this woman before and she trusted me enough to let me into her life even if for an afternoon, during the most painful time she has ever experienced, stirred up so much of my own grief- grief I thought I had dealt with but discovered was just lying dormant in the hidden places of my heart. I saw so much of my pain in her. The things she said, how she said them, even some of the questions she asked, sounded like me talking three years ago.

I recognized her brokenness and it hurt my heart.

I drove home after meeting with her so heavy hearted. I cried in the car, not only for her, but for myself and every other mother who has lost a child. I was surprised at how quickly my compassion turned to raw pain. I think there are some feelings that can never be forgotten and the moment it hit me that my babies were gone is one of them. I wish that feeling on no one.

Since that afternoon I have poured myself back into trying to find the magic cure for pain. There has to be something God, something to say or do, something to make it easier, something to help... There isn't one just so you know. No pill or potion. Not even time.

Only Jesus.

And He holds us and heals us in ways that we can't always see or feel. Sometimes He just sits with us and lets us find rest in Him. He tends to us perfectly, just as we need individually, doing a complete work, not rushing to just end the pain, but working carefully and with love to supernaturally heal our ruined hearts for our good and His glory.

We don't always feel it. We often don't understand it. But we do have to choose it.

I had to ask God to come near to me again as I drove home that day. To show himself to me close enough to touch. To talk to me by whispering in my ear. To hold me even when I feel unworthy and to call my name when I am too weary to lift my eyes to heaven.

I want my tears to fall right on to God's lap. I want to be that close. It has been a while since I have been that close.

I will leave you with a quote from Max Lucado that fits perfectly here from his book God Came Near.

"Has it been a while since you have seen Him? If your prayers seem stale, it probably has. If your faith seems to be trembling, perhaps your vision of him has blurred. If you can't find power to face your problems, perhaps it is time to face Him."

I know its time for me.

Take Back

Ok, I know I posted a few days ago that I was taking a break, that I needed to put posting aside for a while. But then it magically disappeared leaving all of you, no doubt, confused.

I even confused myself.

Let me explain...

I am in the process of a complete life restructuring. The first place I am starting is inside my own heart and out from there. It is going to take my full attention so at first I thought that blogging was going to have to be set aside for a while. But after I thought about it a bit I realized that my blog is my heart. My heart for my girls. My heart for God. My heart for other grieving moms and hurting souls.

My blog is a part of me. A good part of me. I just couldn't bare to set it aside.

However, I am not going to be able to post as often. Maybe twice a month. But when I do post I plan to make it count so I hope you'll continue to read it.

So, sorry for the take back. Next time I'll think a bit longer before I speak, um, post.